The Great Race, Part II: The Mark

The Search for the Teenage Jesus

Jesus was of course blissfully unaware of Lucille’s wish for children. But of course I was not; because the moment the impulse first arose in her the Universe was alerted. God has a kind of universal early-warning system installed in the Universe in which anything that might affect the destiny of all mankind or even (gasp) the Universe itself sets off OMG alarm bells. Various tests in BONEX labs have confirmed OMG alarms are the loudest kind.

The Universe is thereby notified at once; and so when Lucille first thought of kids, a little red light about the size of a supernova started flashing in the Universe Emergency Room, which also doubles as a bathroom since it would be a shame to devote that space to a purpose which is so rarely needed.  Sirens also went off, and the Universe, ever the stalwart guardian of all that is good even if it arrives there by very roundabout ways, contacted me at once with a Flaubertogram.

A Flaubertogram is a missive designed strictly for yours truly because as the bestie of the Universe it has a special means of communicating emergencies to me. This can be very trying as the Universe often can’t restrain itself from contacting me with trivia such as its porridge being too hot, or some stupid galaxies colliding (which they do all the time and frankly speaking one would think the Universe could do much better in the planning area if it were more attentive to such matters) and these constant missives often interrupt truly important life events such as having my tummy scratched.

But such, my good friend, are the trials and tribulations of true friendship. So I put up with it.

In this case however it was clear from the moment I opened it (the Universe, being somewhat old school, likes to send Flaubertograms printed on real paper which is unheard of in this day and age and IMO even kind of stupid) that the Flaubertogram was indeed serious. In fact it was marked “Utmost Urgent,” but all Flaubertograms come with that printed on them which kinds of defeats the purpose if you know what I mean.

No, “Utmost Urgent” was not what caught my attention. It was the huge red letters sprawled across the envelop that said BIRTH CONTROL EMERGENCY.