The Flauberian Cuddlefish

Flauberia is a country in central Pennsylvania.

Photo: The Flauberian Cuddlefish in its natural habitat in central Pennsylvania. Photo credit: National Doggiegraphic.

Celebrating World Water Day today!

Today I, Flaubert, will deliver a soliloquy of sorts on paranoid fantasies which is a kind of mindset prevalent among many of the humans I observe. I would say “specialized” mindset except that there are so many paranoid people out there it seems normal instead of specialized. Unfortunately pattable dog tummies like mine seem to have no effect on paranoia. So the condition may be incurable.

I spend a lot of time watching humans because they are the source of dog treats. One might materialize at any moment so you have to watch them like hawks, only dog hawks that is. I was a dog hawk in a past life but more on that later.

While watching humans I’ve realized that many, many of them have Perpetual Paranoid Fantasies (PPF). The word “paranoid” comes from Ancient Greek and means “irregular mind.“ To my way of thinking the expression is off the mark since there is nothing regular about human minds in the first place, so let’s just say fu#ked up. PPF is created by Emotional Disorder Stuff. (EDS.)

So how exactly does this paranoia thing work?

Human beings love to imagine things that will cause them to be fearful, and inflate them. This is because they like things they like to be big and so paranoia should be big and bigger still and perhaps even THE BIGGEST which means if you have the biggest paranoia, it’s the absolute best and who doesn’t want to strive to achieve their personal best in this competitive and (shudder) dog-eat-dog day and age?

Consequently human beings spend a lot of time trying to outdo one another with more and more elaborate, complicated and ultimately bizarre paranoid fantasies. They become paranoids, a species that dwells together in groups and gathers online in places like twitter (a land where large numbers of birdbrains dwell) and the kingdom of Quannon. I don’t know where Quannon is but it gets talked about a lot, because a huge number of people from Quannon have been emigrating into the United States without the proper Visas. This is causing huge amounts of credit card fraud.

The people in Quannon speak Quannese. (What else?) In this strange and overexcited language, which has no linguistic relationship to any other known tongue, they oft exchange terrifying stories about pedalfiles, which are filing cabinets mounted on bicycles. Such things of course don’t actually exist, but don’t tell Quannons. They won’t pay you the time of day on the matter.