The Death Of Marat

More True History by Flaubert

OK, we are back to the French again, and you are probably wondering why there are so many French artists. Everyone wonders that and with good reason. But get over it, because now you are about to find out why you should pay for a subscription to the Flaubert Report which will bring you world secrets about almost everything you ever heard of on a nearly daily basis.

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Perhaps you are wondering why you should care about some French guy dead in his bathtub. Frankly, you should not. If you get up worrying about a French guy dead in his bathtub you def need to get a life. I can give you therapy for it but it will be expensive and take a very long time.

All that being said, this painting is another painting by Jacques Louis David. He originally planned to have me pose in it alone and call this, "The Death of Flaubert," but unlike most rock guitarists I don't do solos, so he had to do Marat. Marat was a weasely French revolutionary of which more in a little while. But first, David’s painting.

David was having trouble coming up with new material at the time, and when he talked about painting a dead guy in the bathtub I immediately told him this was a bad idea. I'm that kind of friend. If you think of the same thing, I will warn you right away not to do it. But NO, David went right ahead and now that I had bowed out and Marat was the main subject (as David, who was still miffed snottily informed me in the uber-snotty way that only the French have ever fully mastered) I could only desperately get him to put one single lighter element in it by begging in the way that only small cute dogs can beg (I am nothing if not persuasive) to put me in it after all.

We finally reached a compromise so that I could save his reputation. This consists as you can see of me being patted by Marat who is depicted pathetically reaching out to me in his last dying moment hoping to pat me one more time before he goes on to that great guillotine festival in the sky. Or, as it happens, under the ground, because I'm pretty sure all the guillotine festivals are in hell not heaven and I can say this with some confidence having measured it with my hellometer. (Patent pending, so don’t get any ideas.)