Interview With the Devil, Part III: The Devil's Resume

Satan pats my tummy

I’m now going to report a portion of our interview where Satan and I conducted Q&A.

Q. So, you feel you were tricked into presiding over hell?

A. People always complain about how deceptive the devil is, but they don't realize that I’m just a reflection of God. He's incredibly deceptive, really. If I’m a weasel, it means He’s a super weasel. He never told me, for example, that I would have to spend the rest of eternity torturing sinners.

Q. But every creature in the universe has free will, doesn't it? So you don't actually have to torture sinners. Can't you just quit?

A. Dear Sweet Jesus. I can see you little white dogs don't understand anything. I have to make a living. Don't you get it? You can't just walk out of a job in hell without another job lined up. Where would I go? What would I do? Think about it. My résumé is going to say "previous employer: God. Job: CEO of hell. Extensive experience in deceiving people, cheating them out of their souls, and torturing them for all eternity. Objective: find a job where I can be nice to people for a change…. OK, would you hire me?"

Q. Probably, but I’m a little dog. We’re very forgiving. But I can see the issue.. maybe I should help you write your résumé. It’s clear you don't know how to put the right spin on things.

A. OK. I’m willing to try that. But I’m the original spinmaster. How could you improve on what the devil does when it comes to spin?

Q. Look, to start with. You’re a direct report to God. Right away it’s a plus. Any future employer will see that as a huge positive. So let's take a shot at it. We’ll start with the short version: