Flaubert in Hell

The search for the life of a little white dog

So I had to go to hell to meet with God.

I passed through the pearly gates and waved at St. Peter, who I know well because I have been reincarnated so many times we’re besties, like I am with the universe.

St. Peter is basically a down home dude but it must be said he’s a bit foppish. This thing about being the gatekeeper of Heaven has gone a tad to his head, and there are times when I feel like he's waaaay too impressed with himself. Anyway, when I got there, and he looked in his book, he realized that this visit wasn't the usual headed-for-the-Bardo kinda thing, that it was a Divine Audience, and he immediately looked crestfallen.

"Bad news, " he said, “God’s in hell right now and He/She/They is conducting all the Divine Audiences there today.”

“You're kidding," I said, "what the hell kind of a place is hell to conduct Divine Audiences in?

“Actually, it's pretty awesome, replied Saint Peter. “God had it redone recently, and the new gates are designed by I. M. Pei.”